Do you know somebody who has has a miscarriage? Yes our reader Suzanne is one of those moms. She writes; A miscarriage is such a painful and disheartening thing but yet misunderstood in the African society. We are taught not to talk about it and I was even advised by many older mothers not to tell my husband. The most painful part of it is when friend utter words like - "oh it was just a fetus" Oh you were only 10 weeks pregnant , you can try again.. Yes 10 weeks for a woman who has been trying is a long time.
Yes some friends are still naive about the process of carrying a baby and getting pregnant and never realize it all a blessing when all goes well - it nothing of our own doing. Many times I know we don't know what to say - it okay to tell the mother you don't know what to say but offer a prayer. Don't say words that might hurt further.
Moms lets be supportive, sensitive and encouraging to one another. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Statistics show that almost 50% of pregnancies end up in a miscarriage. We sometimes don't even know we lost a baby when we are pregnant. It is not a disease just pray for one another. To the mothers who have gone thro' the same, remember its only God who can provide comfort - seek HIM in such times. He will wipe your tears completely.
Have you had a miscarriage? How did you deal with it?
Here is a helpful list from babycenter.com
-Don’t say, “It’s God’s Will.” Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don’t presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God’s Will, that doesn’t make them less terrible.
-Don’t say, “It was for the best – there was probably something wrong with your baby.” The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don’t try to comfort me by pointing that out.
-Don’t say, “You can always have another one.” This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, “Where’s the fork?” I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
-Don’t say, “Be grateful for the children you have.” If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
-Don’t say, “Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it.” I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
-Don’t say, “Isn’t it time you got over this and moved on?” It’s not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it’s a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine – or yours.
-Don’t say, “Now you have an angel watching over you.” I didn’t want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
-Don’t say, “I understand how you feel.” Unless you’ve lost a child, you really don’t understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
-Don’t tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
-Don’t pretend it didn’t happen and don’t change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, “Before the baby died…” or “when I was pregnant…” don’t get scared. If I’m talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn’t happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
- Don’t say, “It’s not your fault.” It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn’t do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn’t even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can’t imagine.
-Don’t say, “Well, you weren’t too sure about this baby, anyway.” I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn’t prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn’t afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn’t take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn’t know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn’t the same as wanting my child to die – I never would have chosen for this to happen.
-Do say, “I am so sorry.” That’s enough. You don’t need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
-Do say, “You’re going to be wonderful parents some day,” or “You’re wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you.” We both need to hear that.
-Do say, “I have lighted a candle for your baby,” or “I have said a prayer for your baby.”
-Do send flowers or a kind note – every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don’t resent it if I don’t respond.
-Don’t call more than once and don’t be angry if the machine is on and I don’t return your call. If we’re close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don’t resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you’re my boss or my co-worker:
-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family – not a medical condition.
-Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I’m going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one – I need time and space.
-DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON’T ask why I can’t come.
Please don’t bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don’t share that with me right now. It’s not that I can’t be happy for anyone else, it’s that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there’s a good chance that I’m still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You’ll know when I’m ready – I’ll be the one to say, “Did your daughter have her baby?” or, “How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven’t seen him around the office in a while.”
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word “miscarriage” is small and easy. But my baby’s death is monolithic and awful. It’s going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
Wow !- today I was reading this from Insight. org and was touched. Hello mamas do you tell your kids enough how fearfully and wonderfully they are made? I know many kids have low self esteem and then you throw them into a class/school with the kids who have big egos and are bullies who try and damage their self esteem. Please please always remind you LO that they are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Recently, I read an article of 8 ways to be.. I have thought to myself what make me happy? OK for me, I know what makes me happy :) NOT trying to keep up with, what is really important? I only tend to do things that are important to me -- Yes those things make me happy! 
I am the 8th child of 11 and my mom was 41 when she conceived me. The Drs told her that I could have lots of issues and she was labeled high risk". I'm fine and smart...... Even though she was relatively old to chase me around,I had siblings to do that for her. She did have all the patience in the world to love me though, so having children when you're "older" is the same as having children when you're younger...there will always be pros and some cons at any age. As long as you love and provide for your child(ren) you're never too old. You should not let anyone tell you different. In the end they are your children which you are raising. Not anyone else's. Also be reminded it God who gives us these kids right mamas?
They help with the day-to-day operations of my writing & speaking. They go with Todd & I to serve at the soup kitchen. They pray for dad as he starts break-time Bible studies at his work place for those who have never cracked a Bible before. They go with me to pull weeds for an elderly neighbor.
Is it all genetics or are there ways to control this?